


President Skywalker and Her Merry Band of Idiots

by ReidImmortals



Series: Anakin Skywalker [2]
Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Drunk Texting, F/M, Group texts, M/M, Modern Era, Pregnant Leia Organa, Smuggler Han Solo, Space Mom Leia Organa, Texting, This Is STUPID, alien species in modern time, anakin is a rich gangster, bodyguards cody and rex, criminal han solo, former senator padme amidala, gangster han solo, his wifes the president but that wont stop him from his shenanigans, i feel bad for her, kinda star wars but also kinda modern, leia is biased and lets them do their thing, luke is also a gangster, padme is ever patient, president leia skywalker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReidImmortals/pseuds/ReidImmortals
Summary: this is extra stupidwrote most of these at like 3amenjoy our idiots
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, CT-7567 | Rex/Ahsoka Tano, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: Anakin Skywalker [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1806325
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

Anakin Skywalker added Padme Amidala, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ahsoka Tano, Captain Rex, Commander Cody, Leia Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo

Anakin Skywalker: sup bitcghes

Leia Skywalker: dad are you drunk?

Anakin Skywalker: yeahhh you can blame Hans corellian boozr

Leia Skywalker: Han? You’re out with my husband?

Han Solo: hi sexyyy ;3

Padme Amidala: Who else is with you?

Anakin Skywalker: everyonmje i assed to yjhr chst

Luke Skywalker: hahah guys theres jabba

Han Solo: What?? whetre?

Luke Skywalker: kiddonmg!

Han Solo: Youre lucjty that i love leia ebiufh nor to kill erh twein btothet

Padme Amidala: Wait Ahsokas with you? 

Ahsoka Tano: yueah! im hereeee

Captain Rex: she’s currently on the bathroom floor

Leia Skywalker: Oh no what about Uncle Obi-Wan? You guys know he can’t hold his liquor

Anakin Skywalker: oh him yeah cody anf obi-wan snuck awauy awhile agii theyrs probably fucking haha

Luke Skywalker: gross

Han Solo: Gross

Leia Skywalker: gross

Captain Rex: ew

Ahsoka Tano: Hell yeah! get it master kenobi!

Ahsoka Tano: Like you can say much rex you were practiuvallt humpoing my leg earliet

Captain Rex: heu now

Anakin Skywalker: ooooooooo get some rexxy

Captain Rex: sir

Ahsoka Tano: Glad you approce master

Anakin Skywalker: cource

Leia Skywalker: This is getting out of hand

Luke Skywalker: youre ouyr of hand

Han Solo: ahah yeah leia

Leia Skywalker: Han we’ve been over this

Han Solo: what? that imn goinna be a fathey so i cant avt like a child?

Leia Skywalker: Dammit Han! That’s not how I wanted everyone to find out!

Han Solo: oops?

Captain Rex: Congrats Leia! although choice of father is a little iffy

Han Solo: Hey! i thoufht we were frienfs

Captain Rex: we are

Anakin Skywalker: wairt

Anakin Skywalker: you

Anakin Skywalker: im going to be 

Anakin Skywalker: i cant even say it

Anakin Skywalker: im too drunk fort this

Padme Amidala: Thats wonderful Leia! How far along are you?

Leia Skywalker: 3 months

Luke Skywalker: IM GOING TO BE AN UHNCLE????

Obi-Wan Kenobi: wait what’d I miss?

Captain Rex: Leia’s pregnant

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh thats awesome congratulations Leia!

Leia Skywalker: Thanks Obi-Wan

Ahsoka Tano: i’m going to be an aunt???

Han Solo: WHat took you so ljng to resoponf

Ahsoka Tano: I was gagging on Rex’s dick B)

Han Solo: wtf

Captain Rex: Ahsoka!

Commander Cody: haha nice

Anakin Skywalker: nice you join ius

Commander Cody: sorry sir I was fucking my husband’s brains out

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hey!! I resent that

Commander Cody: You didn’t resent this dick 5 minutes ago

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Stahp

Anakin Skywalker changed Obi-Wan Kenobi’s name to the bottom ™

the bottom ™: i hate you

Anakin Skywalker: no you dont brother

Ahsoka Tano changed Captain Rex’s name to my wexxy boi

my wexxy boi: you adorable idiot

Leia Skywalker: this has gotten way out of proportion. Come home and sleep off your alcohol.

Han Solo: Bold of you to order us around

Leia Skywalker: In terms of the law i’m the highest ranking authority here right now so don’t make me pull rank on your ass

Han Solo changed Leia Skywalker’s name to large and in charge

large and in charge: Couch for you tonight

Anakin Skywalker: oof

Ahsoka Tano: f

my wexxy boi: yikes

Padme Amidala: sucks

Luke Skywalker: hah

Commander Cody: boo

the bottom ™: unfortunate

Han Solo: but!

Han Solo: youre mt sexy pregnant president baby mama

large and in charge:.... okay fine

large and in charge changed their name to President Skywalker

Ahsoka Tano: now youre just showing off

President Skywalker: yup B)

Luke Skywalker: who knew the president was this uncool

President Skywalker: deported and blocked

Luke Skywalker: Gasp

Luke Skywalker: just cause i’m not a Coruscanti citizen by birth doesn’t mean i dont belong here

Han Solo: Youre not coruscanti born either leia

Han Solo: neither are any of you

Han Solo: im the only one here actually born in this country

Han Solo: State of Corellia bitches

Ahsoka Tano: fuck you

Anakin Skywalker: I was born in the state of Tatooine actually so ha checkmate

Anakin Skywalker: that makes Luke and Leia citizens

Padme Amidala: I was born in Naboo and was the Governor of the state for many years. double citizenship

President Skywalker: hah bitch

Luke Skywalker: Mustafar is like gone now though so we wouldn’t be citizens there anymore anyway

Ahsoka Tano: true

my wexxy boi: Cody and I are from Mandalore

Commander Cody: yup!

Commander Cody: us and our other brother boba and our dad Jango

Han Solo: i always forget you guys are twins

Anakin Skywalker: how?

Padme Amidala: theyre literal clones of each other

Han Solo: to be fair i almost always see them in their armor when theyre guarding leia so

the bottom ™: if i may input my own birth status i am Stewjon born but raised in Coruscant

Han Solo: wait

Han Solo: i thought

Han Solo: arent you and skywalker brothers?

the bottom ™: in heart only but thats the part that matters

Anakin Skywalker: yeah

Han Solo: next youre going to tell me that Ahsoka isn’t really your daughter

Anakin Skywalker:....

Padme Amidala: ……

Ahsoka Tano: soooo whos gonna tell him?

Han Solo: tell me what

Ahsoka Tano: im a Togruta Anakin and Padme are human

Ahsoka Tano: im not their daughter

Han Solo: wtf

Ahsoka Tano: sorry

President Skywalker: you're such an idiot Han

Han Solo: stop bullying me

President Skywalker: never 

President Skywalker: love you honey

Han Solo: yeah yeah


	2. Chapter 2

Leia Skywalker: Are you feeling any better today?

Anakin Skywalker: yeah, little hungover but not too bad

Leia Skywalker: do you remember what Han revealed to everyone last night?

Anakin Skywalker: no

Leia Skywalker: really?

Anakin Skywalker: wait

Anakin Skywalker: you’re pregnant?

Leia Skywalker: yup! You’re a grandfather!

Anakin Skywalker: I can't wait to spoil the little devil

Leia Skywalker: Hey! My child is not a devil!

Anakin Skywalker: with Han as the father, are you really so sure about that?

Leia Skywalker: you’ve got a point. He’s a troublemaker all on his own

Anakin Skywalker: he is a smuggler

Leia Skywalker: ugh don't remind me

Anakin Skywalker: He works for me. How are you going to avoid the fact that your father, husband, and brother are all gangster criminals?

Leia Skywalker: by denying all knowledge of it which is why I don’t talk about work with you all

Anakin Skywalker: thats fair


	3. Chapter 3

Ahsoka Tano: I regret 

Commander Cody: i’d have to agree sister

the bottom ™: I feel fine

my wexxy boi: thats because youre superhuman

Anakin Skywalker: Obi-Wan and I have a very high alcohol tolerance from our teenage days

Luke Skywalker: Oh?

the bottom ™: don't you dare Anakin

Anakin Skywalker: what are you gonna do

the bottom ™: i’ll tell Shmi the truth about the porg incident

Anakin Skywalker: you wouldn't dare

the bottom ™: try me

Anakin Skywalker: motherfucker

President Skywalker: now i'm intrigued

Padme Amidala: its not actually that interesting of a story

Luke Skywalker: you were there??

Padme Amidala: course I was. I’ve known your father since he was 9 years old

Han Solo: I can just imagine the stories you have of an awkward teenage Anakin flirting with you

Padme Amidala: oh boy do I

Anakin Skywalker: hey! youre supposed to be my loving and loyal wife

Padme Amidala: whats the fun in that dear?

President Skywalker changed Anakin Skywalker’s name to Romeo

Romeo: thank you

President Skywalker: it wasn’t a compliment

Ahsoka Tano: tellllll usssssss Padme!

Padme Amidala: one of the most memorable instances was when we were in the country of Naboo when he was 19 and I was 24

Romeo: oh fuck I know exactly what you’re talking about and I resent you for it

Padme Amidala: I said I loved the beach and Anakin went on a spiel about how much he hates sand and i could tell he thought he was being sly but I could see right through him

Romeo: not one of my finest moments

the bottom ™: it worked though you guys got married like a month afterwards

President Skywalker: wait what? really?

Luke Skywalker: how come we never knew this?

Padme Amidala: well it wasn’t exactly a good thing at the time 

Romeo: we eloped and couldn’t tell anyone we were married because I was growing in reputation as a gangster and Padme was still a senator so we had to protect her reputation in the senate

Padme Amidala: it wasn’t something I loved doing but to prevent the bills I passed while in senate from being scrutinized and also to keep me safe from Anakin’s enemies we couldn’t tell anyone. The only ones who knew were Obi-Wan and Shmi

Romeo: The only reason my mother knew was because she’s smart as hell and Padme and I are not slick

the bottom ™: she also had been saying since you were 13 and you took up an interest in girls finally that you’d marry Padme because she was “the only star in your night sky” and “any other woman was of no interest to you”

Luke Skywalker: you had a crush on your 18 year old best friend when you were 13??

Romeo: okay but I mean have you met your mother? She was hot as fuck

Romeo: Han is 10 years older than Leia and they got married when she was 20 so 

Han Solo: don’t drag me into this

Romeo: you dragged yourself into this when you kidnapped my daughter and then fell in love with her

Han Solo: okay fair but shut the fuck up about it

Romeo: just wait until someone kidnaps your child and then see how I felt

President Skywalker: dad what the fuck

Romeo: yeah sorry that was in poor taste but i’m still angry about it

Padme Amidala: wait “was”? I “was” hot as fuck? what the hell Ani?

Romeo: hey hey hey you’re still hot as fuck but I meant then you were a whole ass model to me because I never looked at any other women ever and now I understand that other women exist in the world: namely my daughter but you’re still my number 1

Padme Amidala: hmm

President Skywalker: ever dragging your foot out of your mouth I see

Romeo: don’t make me send Vader after you

President Skywalker: ha! That dog responds to me more than you

Romeo: he does and I resent it

Luke Skywalker: all the mangy scoundrels are drawn to Leia

Han Solo: Hey!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do i need to warn for swearing? I'm sure that by now if you're familiar with my work you'll know to expect an f bomb here and there. Maybe often.

President Skywalker changed their name to favorite child

favorite child changed Luke Skywalker’s name to loser

loser: r00d

favorite child: you deserve it

Padme Amidala: knock it out

Romeo: What's this about?

loser: Leia’s gloating cause you said she was your favorite :/

favorite child: you’re just salty because you know he was telling the truth

Romeo: actually, whatever I said was probably just to get you to shut up and leave me alone because the true answer to that question is Ahsoka

Ahsoka Tano: Yes!

favorite child: She’s not even your real daughter!

Ahsoka Tano: r00d

Romeo: r00d

loser: r00d

Commander Cody: r00d

favorite child: Aw hell uncle Cody not you too

Commander Cody: sucks

favorite child: you’re no longer my favorite uncle

Commander Cody: wait! i’m sorry I take it back

the bottom ™: thats emotional blackmail

Romeo: I see i’ve taught her well

favorite child: you didn’t teach me shit old man

Romeo: wha-

Romeo: Excuse me?

favorite child: sorry daddy! you were my best teacher you taught me all the important things

Padme Amidala: Now who’s emotionally blackmailing?

loser: this is immensely entertaining

Han: shut up everyone its 3 am and i am annoyed as hell

Commander Cody: no

Ahsoka Tano: No

Romeo: No

favorite child: no

loser: no

the bottom ™: no

Padme Amidala: no

my wexxy boy: no

Han Solo: fuck you guys

favorite child: good luck

Romeo: who thinks we should go to Han and Leia’s and annoy Han in person?

Ahsoka Tano: I’m in!

Commander Cody: me too

the bottom ™: ah fuck i guess i am too

my wexxy boy: I gotta watch after Ahsoka so i’ll be there

loser: wouldn’t miss it B)

Han Solo: this family is a fucking nightmare

Romeo: We know


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what this is anymore okay
> 
> i just type and my brain shuts off and this is made

my wexxy boi: so uh

my wexxy boi: I did a bad thing

Commander Cody: oh god

Romeo: put the body on ice

the bottom ™: don’t bury it near you or anywhere you've ever been seen at

my wexxy boi: come on guys I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE

Ahsoka Tano: he didn’t kill anyone but i’m about to kill him

Commander Cody: oh its one of those problems then haha

Commander Cody: he’s got the couch tonight doesnt he?

Ahsoka Tano: damn right he does

Ahsoka Tano changed my wexxy boi’s name to dead man

Ahsoka Tano changed Commander Cody’s name to Codes <3

Ahsoka Tano: cody’s my new favorite twin

dead man: :0

Codes <3: oh no

dead man: are you FUckINg my WIFE???

Codes <3: wtf

Codes <3: we’ve been together since the womb my dude

Codes <3: you know how gay I am

Codes <3: so no i’m not fucking your wife

Codes <3: Ahsoka is lovely though and if I was straight I might

Ahsoka Tano: awww thx babe <3

Codes <3: xoxo

dead man: wtf

Ahsoka Tano: you’re still dead to me

Romeo changed their name to Skywalker

Skywalker: so uh what’d he do

Ahsoka Tano: oh right

Ahsoka Tano: i’m pregnant

Codes <3: !!!

Han Solo: 0-0

Skywalker: I- huh?

Padme Amidala: Congrats!

the bottom ™ changed their name to Kenobi

Kenobi: Congratulations Ahsoka!

loser: o-0

favorite child: goddammit Ahsoka

Ahsoka Tano: it's not like it's my fault!

Ahsoka Tano: blame Rex

dead man: okay everyone here is aware of how children are made okay so really we all know it was both of our faults

Padme Amidala: Why are you talking like this is a curse??

Kenobi: this is wonderful stop complaining

Skywalker: I swear if you even think of doing anything to my grandchild I WILL kill you

Ahsoka Tano: I wasn’t-

Ahsoka Tano: Dad!

dead man: understood, sir

loser: looks like you’re not special anymore Leia BP

favorite child: B:|

favorite child: i hate you luke

favorite child changed their name to leia

Skywalker changed loser’s name to disappointment 

disappointment: hey!


	6. Chapter 6

leia: so uh

leia: labor

Kenobi: what?

leia: i'm in labor

Skywalker: what the fuck

Skywalker: okay stay calm im on my way

Han Solo: if it's alright with you i’d like to take my own wife to the hospital, thanks

Skywalker: fine. but i'm coming up to the hospital then

leia: thanks dad

Skywalker: anything for you sweetheart

Codes <3: was no one gonna inform me?

Kenobi: you’re in the chat dear

Kenobi: that counts as informing you even if you were not mentioned by name

Codes <3: okay whatever

Padme Amidala: Oh fuck okay 

Padme Amidala: im about to be a fucking grandma oh my fuck

leia: woah mom what

leia: ive never heard you swear before

Padme Amidala: well you’re about to give birth to my grandson okay I think its warranted

disappointment: holy

disappointment: okay everyone stay calm

Kenobi: you’re the one freaking out my dear   
  


disappointment: okay fair but jesus my tiny baby sister is about to push a child the size of a watermelon out of a tiny hole in her body i am very fucking concerned

Han Solo: okay i get the nerves and the anxiety but never string the rest of those words into a sentence ever again

leia: says you

Han Solo: okay fuck you

Skywalker: hey now shes pushing your child out of her be kind

Codes <3: what is wrong with straight people?

Kenobi: no idea babe

dead man: honestly, i am a straight man and I don’t even know whats going on

Codes <3: you are NOT straight

Codes <3: womb to tomb, remember? 

Codes <3: I know your secrets

Ahsoka Tano: oh?

dead man: goddammit

Ahsoka Tano: what's this about rexy not being straight?

dead man: dont you fucking dare breathe a word

Codes <3: oh so you don’t want me to tell her about 10th grade?

dead man: do not

dead man: cody i fucking swear if you say anything they will never find a single fucking piece of your goddamn body after i’m done with you

Codes <3: Rex and I were at a party and we were playing truth or dare with some friends and Rex was dared to kiss the person he thought was the hottest in the room and you know what he did?

dead man: cody dont you fucking finish

Codes <3: he kissed the typical jock kid thats in every high school ever and this boy DID NOT hold back and he fucking frenched Rex for a good minute and a half and when he pulled away Rex was the reddest ive ever fucking seen him and he had a raging boner

Ahsoka Tano: thats fucking hilarious XD

dead man: im going to kill you cody

Codes <3: id like to see you try

Kenobi: well that answers several of my questions about Rex

dead man: wha-

dead man: obi-wan??

Kenobi: oh not to worry dear I don’t blame you I was much the same way in highschool 

Ahsoka Tano: you’ve GOT to tell us

Skywalker: he was a boring nerd who was a closeted gay and had boners for every guy that even said hi to him

Kenobi: okay fuck you

Kenobi: that's not true

Skywalker: I shared a room with you :/

Kenobi: -/////-

Kenobi: okay double fuck you

Kenobi: you were just as bad

Kenobi: practically jizzed in your pants anytime Padme even smiled at you

Skywalker: OKAY FUCK YOU AT LEAST I MARRIED HER

Skywalker: WE HAD TWO KIDS SO FUCK YOU

Kenobi: I am also married 

Kenobi: Cody’s better than any of the idiots I had a crush on back then

Codes <3: love you 

Kenobi: love you too 

Skywalker: ew affection

Padme Amidala: love you Anakin

Skywalker: Love you baby!! MY precious summer queen UwU

Kenobi: point made

leia: did yall forget about me?


	7. Chapter 7

disappointment: Hey hey hey hey guess what

Codes <3: what

disappointment: 

Ahsoka Tano: :3

Skywalker: beautiful


End file.
